I want to live

My destiny is curved in the stone.

I try to change it; knowing the impossibility,

I open the door of ambiguity,

And try to lose myself in totality

But loosing myself I find the real me,

The me, who want to continue to exist,

Even though the ailing heart threatens,

To stop and end this numerous torture.

My ailing heart will fail me soon,

And no one will remember me.

But I want to live;

In the smiles of the babies,

In the scent of spring blossom,

In the colours of rainbows,

In the shower of monsoon,

In the falling leaves of autumn,

In the snow cold mountains of winter,

In the gushing streams that flows through my village.

The deceit

As I lay on my bed waiting for death to ease me from the pain that I had been going through since the time I had learnt about my incurable cancer, my thought travels back to the time where I had been as normal as any other around me. If only I hadn’t been so naïve as I was then…

There comes a time when the secure life that one is leading would seem like a cage where you feel like a caged bird who would resolve to go to any extent for the sake of freedom; freedom from the normal schedule and explore some wild desires which sometimes lay hidden until you would feel that you would do anything to get a small piece of freedom not realizing the pitfalls that awaits you in every single wrong steps you take. Naïve as I was then I did not realize the dangers that laid ahead for venturing out of my secluded haven.

I dared to venture out of my safe haven to explore the dark adventures of doom. I was blissfully happy and contented. I don’t know how I had survived the mask of a happy home maker and kept my family happy while I was sharing bed with my lover on every pretext I could be away from home. My lover understood my position and didn't demand more than I could give.

My life to the family and friends looked perfect but only two people knew about the double life I lead. We kept the affairs a secret and I was able to pretend to have a normal life while in reality my deceitfulness was eating me. It could be due to my deception or some normal phenomenon but some years later I was diagnosed with cancer and had been undergoing treatment ever since with no positive outcome. My family hasn't got any clue about my deception yet and I intend to keep it that way.

My lover who happens to be my family friend visits me often in the hospital and we talk about all the good times we had before I learned about my disease. During his visits he asks me whether I would have left my family for him for which I honestly respond that I would never have left my family for him even though I loved him. He smiles his knowing smile and says he would wait for me to change my mind though he knows I would never have time to do that.

I know we don’t get second chance in life but if ever I am given a second chance I would never be able to make decision because I am doomed to love two person at a time. Thus I wait for the death to lay its icy hands on me to ease my pain that proliferate as the clock clicks away…

(Fictitious work purely based on writer's imagination)

To my little angle

I know it’s hard; I know it’s tough.

But one can’t have everything one wishes,

For one have to move away,

To fulfill one’s destiny

To leave the world a little better,

A little brighter than it was at the time of your entry.

You might be away from us

We might be miles apart

But you are always in our thought,

Missed every single moment,

Spoken of at every conversation,

And remembered at every occasion.

My last wish

The cold wind rushes

Sending chill to my bones

The weather has changed

From the golden autumn

To the frosty winter

The approach of coldness

A harsh reminder

Of my own condition

Of my remaining days

In this impermanent world

I wish to walk the street

Feel the snowflakes on my fingertips

Smile at the passing strangers

Dance among the strangers

Before death lay its icy claws on me

Prelude to the sacrifice

He woke up cursing his throbbing head and check his table clock at the side of his bed which  read 4.00 am in the morning- his time for morning jog which he had been doing since his high school days. Whispering a few more curses, he was out of his front door in ten minutes sprinting towards his destination- a small hilltop that over looked the sleepy town in the morning which would soon be bursting with activity as the day progressed.

His morning routine had always relaxed his muscles and gave him the solitary peace he needed to unfold the day. As he jogged, his headache continued which made him curse again aloud;

“Why didn’t I stop myself when Namgay went for a third round of that bloody ara! Damn! My head aches so”.

Cursing on his foolishness he continued his jog and reached a turn on the road when he felt a sharp pain on his chest which almost chocked him. Suddenly come to a halt, he tried to take a deep breath. The other joggers thought he was taking some rest and waved as they passed him. He could merely try to smile and wave back. As the second passed, the pain started to suffocate him and he passed out.

When he came to his sense, he found himself surrounded by strangers in a strange room with lots of tubes connected to his body. He looked around alarmed and a man in white coat smiled and came towards him. After making a few queries about his personal information, he left the room. Slowly the other strangers too followed the first man. He was left alone. His first thought was to call his only sister but he decided against it because it would mean her travelling all the way for two long days with two small children and he didn’t want his sister to go through that.

A few minutes passed and he saw his friend Namgay dashing through the door with a bewildered eyes.

“What happened?”

“I donno. I guess I passed out”.

“Thank god you are alright now. Any way let me check with the doc”.

Sonam smiled through the pain which seemed to have somehow subsided said; “hey. Don’t worry man. I think its due to the stress with work and I am sure it’s due to the drinks we had last night. Chill man!”

When the door closed behind his friend a chill went through his spine as he recollected a similar scene. His father was occupying a similar bed and his mother was beside his bedridden father. He had been called from his college saying that his father was sick but he had no idea of how sick he was until he saw him lying almost lifeless as if waiting to see his children before he departed from this world. He saw his father breathing his last in the similar room and the thought made him scream which brought the nurse attendant to his aid in a matter of seconds. 

He was given seductive and kept under observation. Later in the evening, when we fully regained his consciousness he decided to go home but the doctors advised him against it and he had to spend a night in the hospital. He was informed that his was a case of mild cardiac arrest and was advised to seek medical help. He agreed and he started getting the medical aid and continued his work with the same zest at his office but he felt the change in the attitude of his colleagues against him. He was looked with pitiful eyes and he hated it when the people whispered behind him as if he had some rare disease.

He wanted to live a full life and didn’t want any sympathy from people around him reminding him of his heart problem and decided that he would move away from the place. He got transferred to a branch office in the east as manager and started working there. He kept mostly to himself but made a few acquaintances who didn’t know about his story. The people in the area came to look upon him as eligible bachelor and many parents tried to make an extra effort to woo him as a potential son-in-law but his decision remained adamant for marriage had no room in his life. He had seen enough problems in his sister’s life to understand that it gave nothing but sorrow.  

Thus he continued to live among the strangers and continued his medical treatment on regular basis. He would disappear from his office every two months on the so called tour and people started doubting whether he had a family some place away but none asked him about it. No one knew that the time he spent away from office was spent in the hospital examining his poor heart and get consultation from his doctor.

The three years he spent among the strangers made him understand the life better. He had more time to himself to reflect on his life and he saw life in a new light. The small community lived in harmony and every occasion was celebrated as a family inclusive him. He started participating in such celebration and came to know a few people but never revealed about himself. He spent money regularly to his sister every month and saved for his two nieces whom he hadn’t seen since their birth. He kept their pictures at his office and home and called them every fortnight but his relationship with his drunkard brother-in-law remained same.

Three years of solitude and his life had to end in the flood that could have claimed the life of others had he not sacrificed his life.

As Sonam breathe his last, a small girl couldn’t help her tears. There were many like her who owed their life to the man who had just sacrificed his own for people who even didn’t know him well. The girl made a small prayer to the departed soul and wondered about the man who had saved her a few hours ago from being washed away by the gushing river. The figure though known by all was a stranger to all yet he made his mark at the dusk of his life.

(fictitious work purely based on writer's imagination)

The sacrifice

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The day was like any other summer day with the heavy down pour which made every sensible person to stay in the cozy corner of his dwelling. The continuous rain had swollen the river to the extent that it was threatening to overflow the bank yet the people residing there had no worries because there hadn’t been any life-threatening incidence in the valley till date and they were very confident that the valley would continue to remain so till the end of time.

Sonam, one prominent inhabitant in the area was sitting near the hearth relaxing with a cup of ara (locally brewed alcohol) after the hectic day in the office. The time on the wall cock showed half past seven in the evening and he felt quite drowsy. Making a quick dinner using the noodles (which he kept for some emergencies) he hurriedly ate it  and went to bed. 

The torrent rain on his roof made it impossible for him to sleep though he was dead tired. He turned and tossed on his bed. After sometime, he knew that sleep was unattainable and went for a second round of ara. As he moved towards the cabinet where he kept his prized possession (the different brand of drinks)  we felt something wet on his feet which shook all the drowsiness off him. He was baffled and put on all the lights. What he saw took all this sanity away. The water was gushing into the house at an alarming speed. His first and the only thought was to get away from the room. Without a second thought, he rushed out screaming; “Flood…Flood…everyone….get out!”

Many people came out shouting with torches, carrying their children. They made way to the hilltop some distance away. Sonam stayed back helping some needy neighbours and carrying their children to the safer distance. He made several such trips and his limbs ached due to cold but he didn’t stop. His only thought was to save his neighbours. He worked selflessly to save the people he came to love during his three years stay in the area. When the rescue team arrived, he had already guided his people to safety and erected some tents with the help of the inhabitants.

He was highly praised for his selfless service. The people flocked around him to thank him and he smiled acknowledging them but no one noticed his tired limbs and his haggled breath. His heart was giving away and this time, no doctors were there to save him. He breathe his last as the dawn broke and he had a smile on his face as he greeted the new day in his passing.

(To be continued…)
Note: Fictitious work purely based on writer's imagination 
 

Had I had my way…

Sitting on the balcony, my thoughts wander and I start thinking about all those experiences that I had and wonder whether my life had been worth living. Had I had my way, I would have embraced the death sooner instead of seeing my family face the terror on my account.

Every day they put a brave face and try to smile through the tears but I know what they are going through. It had been that way since the day they discovered about my illness. It had been an ill-fated winter morning when I blacked out in my office and my colleague found me senseless in the office. After a few chaotic moments they had transported me to the hospital where I had been tested through various medical examinations. The doctors did not find anything wrong with my report and I was sent home after a few days in the hospital.

But as I started passing out more frequently, my family got anxious and I had to go another series of medical examination where I was diagnosed with leukemia.

Now after two years of medication and a series chemotherapy treatment at the cancer hospital in Kolkata, I am home but my condition is haven’t improved much. I regularly visit the hospital for review and try to live a normal life but my health is deteriorating.

Every evening as I go to sleep, I look up into the face of my family fearing that it would be the last time I would be seeing them and I can see the same dread in their eyes.

All I can do for now is pray that my death be easy and early so that my family doesn’t have to go through another day of dread and wretchedness.
(*Note: This is a real story of a friend )

The emptiness

In a crowded street
I try to find my way
but I know I am lost
lost in my own thoughts
 thoughts of loneliness
unaware of my surrounding.


people walk pass me
giving a quizzical look
not daring to ask
for they are aware
for my need of isolation
to sort out my thoughts


A hole inside my heart
makes me breathe hard
In dire need of warmth
I shun those memories
but it makes me feel worse
for I am empty within

Wonder why

The immense desire in my heart

To kiss my land of birth

Before I fade from this mortal world

The world that despise me

The humanity seems suddenly ruthless

For the pursuit of materialistic bliss

I too have joined the race of callousness

And in the process lost my ideals

I have had enough of this insensitivity

Where a blood can deceive another

Never had I seen such cruelty

And malice of the other

Gone are the days of principles

The trust and bonds of togetherness

The feelings of shared alliance

Only vile and evil resides.

Time has come

Looking gaunt and pale

I wait for my call

The call that had been long coming

But my folks wouldn’t let go of me

I remind them the law of impermanence

Whisper to them the songs of unrequited love

The tales of blessed togetherness

And the waiting farewell

My spectral thin skin

My feeble wan look

Sends chill to their heart

For now my time has come.

Yearning

Feeling the warm breeze on my rippled skin;

The breeze which soothes my nerve,

Where the sores are teeming up,

Consuming my frail energy.

Seeing the people passing by,

Some in haste, some leisurely,

All on move but me,

And I eye them enviously.

Gazing from the balcony,

I stretch my eyes as far as it can take,

To capture in the days note from afar,

For I cannot venture outside.

The summer clouds gathers on the horizon,

Promising torrent rain,

The rain that I have been yearning for,

For the last dance before my heavenly flight.

Dance

Reclining on my bed,

Listening to the platter of raindrops,

Smelling the fresh summer breeze,

I feel myself rejuvenate.

The battle

Lost in my thought

I recollect the time

When I was sturdy

Unlike my present state

DEATH

Often had I wondered

How I would meet you

Never have I dreamt

You would choose me sooner

Loving someone

“Loving someone is never an assurance that someone should love us back but to keep loving…” is something that I heard during my high school days. The words sounded hollow at that time because I could not comprehend the real meaning. I was always sure that if love did happened to me, I would take it as a gift and share it with the one fated with me. Never did I realize that such gift is bestowed to the fortunate one only.

My untamed heart

Sitting on the crossroad

Thinking of those gone days

And the days yet to come

Unable to comprehend my present

 

I still love him

I know I should let go

But heart does not permit

It craves to hear those lost words

Words from the bygone days

I saw him again

I saw him again. He hadn't changed. The mole on the side of his nose was as distinct as it used to be. He had the same twinkle in his eyes and the same smile that used to have me hypnotized. It looked as if time has remained frozen for him. There wasn't a single trace of change on him that I could detect.

What love can do

There comes a time when things happen when we least expect. The unexpected turn of events changes our lives forever. Strangers turn out to be the best of buddies and some people whom we look upon fade from our lives with the passage of time.

The lost love

There was a time when I was in love, helplessly in love. I dreamt of sharing my future with him. He meant a world to me. And I danced to his tune. He proclaimed his love for me and I believed every word he said. After knowing him for two years, he disappeared one day without a word. I kept looking for him, hoping against hope that I would find him some day. I did find him but it took me fifteen years. What did I see? He wasn't the same person anymore. He was happily settled with a daughter. There was no place for me in his life.